When this subject is brought up we quickly revert to child-like mentality (said as whiny as possible): “do I have to?” I am too often guilty of this attitude myself. I am saddened that forgiveness doesn’t come more naturally to me. I know I am not alone, though. Why do we seem to insist on holding on to grudges for much longer than we should and refuse to grant forgiveness to others? Do we actually benefit by holding the grudge? Not that I’ve experienced. Still, many of Christians want to know: do we have to forgive?
Paul said in Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Similarly, in Colossians 3:13 he says, “as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive.” According to this we do have to forgive. We are called to forgive because we have been forgiven. We are supposed to show the same forgiving attitude that God shows us. Yeah, I know, I’m starting to squirm too.
It brings to my mind a parable of Jesus recorded in Matthew 18:21–35. He told the parable after Peter asked how often one should forgive—or another way to ask it, how forgiving should we be? Jesus began by telling Peter that we should forgive someone seventy-times seven. (I’d say that is being very forgiving!)
Then Jesus told a parable: it was about a king who wanted to settle his accounts with those who owed him. When one servant who owed ten thousand talents (one talent was approximately 20-30 years wages) couldn’t pay, the king ordered him to be sold, along with his family and any possessions in order to provide payment. The servant pleaded for mercy and patience and promised to pay everything. As a result, the king had mercy and forgave the debt. Don’t let this slip by. He forgave the whole debt! That would be 20-30 thousand years of wages! Another example of the awesomeness of God’s forgiveness.
The newly forgiven servant left and soon found a man who owed him a hundred denarii (one denarii was about a day’s wage), grabbed his neck and began to choke him, demanding payment. The man also begs for mercy and promises to pay. However, the servant refuses the pleas and sends him to prison until the debt could be paid.
Once the king heard this, he summoned the servant and said to him, “you wicked servant! I forgave your whole debt because I took pity on your plea. Should you not have also had pity on your fellow servant?” Then the king reinstated the man’s debt and threw him into prison until it was paid off.
Then Jesus ends the parable with the statement: “So also my heavenly Father will do to everyone of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” (Matthew 18:35).
If the parable isn’t clear enough, in Matthew 6:14, 15 Jesus said it bluntly: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (See also Mark 11:25.)
We are supposed to forgive. Plain and simple. Jesus doesn’t say that forgiveness would be easy. He only says that we should do it—if we also want forgiveness.
It seems a bit harsh, but if you think about it, it makes sense. If God is willing to forgive us our HUGE debt of sin, why would we refuse to forgive others when they hurt us? As the parable showed, if a person asks for forgiveness we must forgive them (Luke 17:3, 4 also says this—even if they ask seven times in the same day).
But what about the person who doesn’t ask for forgiveness? Do we still have to forgive them? I’m not sure I know the answer to this. At least, not an easy answer. However, when looking at our example, Jesus, I believe that we should. When on the cross, while being mocked and abused, Jesus prayed that God would “forgive them for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). Did they ask for forgiveness? No. Yet, Jesus forgave them and asked God to forgive them on their behalf.
Again, Jesus didn’t say it was easy to forgive. Forgiveness always cost something to the one offering it. When the king in the parable forgave his servant’s debt, he forgave a massive amount of debt—no small cost to the king. When God forgives us, it costs Him to forgive our massive debt. Likewise, it will cost us to forgive others. It is not easy to get past the pain and humiliation to find forgiveness and the scars may not go away, but we have to let go. We have to let go of their neck and find mercy and forgiveness. In fact, forgiving others has often a greater effect on us than on the other person. As Corrie ten Boom said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
I know this is not an easy teaching. I also know that there are very tough situations we may go through that causes us to ask, “but do I have to forgive them?” Hurt feelings and damaged pride aside, I can only point to the Biblical examples given to us: according to the Bible, and Jesus Himself, we shouldn’t be looking for ways not to forgive, but should be willing to freely forgive as often as we can—just like our Father in Heaven does towards us.