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Matthew 18:15–17: Church Discipline or Relationship Repair?

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Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

We’ve all experienced being hurt by someone, or hurting someone, as a result of careless words or thoughtless actions. It may be from a stranger, or a family member, or a friend. Maybe even another Christian. But what are we to do when we are truly hurt by another person? In Matthew 18:15–17, Jesus gave us counsel on how to deal with such situations. I have often heard this text used as an example of church discipline. However, I’d like to suggest a different purpose for this counsel: Relationship repair.

This is how it begins: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother” (verse 15).

First things first: this is what we do if someone “sins” against us. It is not a generic, “if someone sins” statement. Rather, these are the steps we take when someone has done something to injure our relationship with them. Jesus also reveals the purpose of His counsel right away: to gain our brother back, not to give us opportunity to get restitution or revenge (or discipline).

Interestingly, the first step is for us to go, by ourselves, to the person. This step is often ignored. Typically, we want to wait for the other person to apologize—“He hurt me, he can come to me”—but Jesus tells us to take the first step. We also want to avoid the person entirely if possible. How many times have you complained about how another person has hurt you when you haven’t talked to that individual privately first? (I know I’m guilty of this). Yet, Jesus says that you should first go and talk to them privately about how they hurt you.

But what if talking to them by yourself does not work? “But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses” (verse 16). These witnesses “establish the charges,” so they should be people who have also witnessed the person hurting you. Yet, it is not to gang up on the person—not a lynch mob—but as in the first step, they are there to help you restore the relationship.

“If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church” (verse 17a). Not much is said here, but continuing on the idea of the first two, it would appear that this step calls upon the whole church to help in restoring the relationship.

“and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector” (verse 17b). To many, this means shun them—treat them as outcasts. This statement is why many view the passage as church discipline guidelines. That doesn’t fit the context though. If this was all about gaining our brother, why would Jesus now say we can hate them? Consider this: how did Jesus treat the Gentiles and tax collectors? He ate with them, ministered to them, and befriended them. No, He’s not giving us permission to hate. He’s telling us that if we are unsuccessful in restoring the relationship, we should start over. We are to treat them as someone who needs to know the message of the Gospel.

When dealing with His own personal relationships, Jesus also lived by this counsel. A great example is Jesus talking to Peter after the resurrection (and after Peter’s denial). Jesus went to Peter, not to confront his denials or to get even, but He came to restore their relationship. Three times Peter denied Jesus, three times he was able to confirm his love for Jesus (John 21:15–17). The end result: a repaired relationship.

Matthew 18:15–17 reveals steps towards reconciliation not discipline. Because reconciliation is at the heart of being a disciple (John 13:35). It is our message and ministry: “All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their sins against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation” (2 Corinthians 5:18, 19, emphasis mine).

Therefore, if one of my relationships has been broken because I have hurt someone, or someone has hurt me (whether it is some unfortunate misunderstanding or purposeful), I have been given the ministry (and guidance) to do all within my power to mend that relationship.

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another, and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Colossians 3:12, 13).

Be Ye Perfect?

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Photo by Karl Fredrickson

In a previous post, I told a story of a church member’s shocking reaction towards my friend for wearing jeans to church. Unfortunately, such reactions are not that rare in Christianity. Sadly, these days Christians are known more for being critical, judgmental, and condemning rather than gracious, merciful, and loving. Of course, most would claim the reason for our toughness on the immorality of others is that we have a standard to uphold. Many would quickly quote Matthew 5:48, which says we are to be “perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” Because of this goal, we feel the need to measure and enforce such perfection.

Yet this feeling rises from of misunderstandings of that text and our role in judgment and conviction. Sure, 1 Corinthians 6:2, 3 says we will judge angels, but it says “will.” Not yet—we don’t have all the information. The Bible also talks of holding fellow Christians accountable, but always in the context of grace, gentleness and love (see Galatians 6:1 and 1 Timothy 5:20). The Bible is also very clear that conviction is the work of the Holy Spirit. Besides, can we really change each other? Why would we think we can when we can’t even change ourselves (Jeremiah 13:23)! If we are not to judge (yet) and we cannot bring true conviction, how could it be our job to perfect the church?

Perfecting the Church?

Yet, in our desire to create “perfection” in our churches, we create a human standard (according to our preferences) so strict that many who need Jesus can’t come to Him. Too many churches tell people they can’t do things that God allows, and allow people to do things that God detests! No, we are not to perfect God’s people; we are not to try to convict; we are not to judge. Jesus says plainly in Matthew 7:1, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.”

You might be wondering: what are we supposed to do about Jesus’ teachings on perfection? The passage in question: Matthew 5:48—“You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” First, if we are made perfect, it is God’s doing not ours (see Ezekiel 20:12 and Philippians 1:6). Second, this text doesn’t say anything about being sinless or being perfect in actions. We assume that’s what it means, but the word in the Greek means “mature, complete.” (In fact, never once does the word for perfect in action appear in the Bible to describe man. It is only used to describe God!) Of course, we would understand the meaning of Jesus’ challenge if we would just read the context.

The Context of Matthew 5:48

Jesus starts this topic in verse 43. He counters a common understanding with the truth. The world believes people should get what they deserve. The world says it’s okay to hate your enemies, but Jesus sets a new standard: love them and pray for them. It is noteworthy that verse 45 starts with “so that.” In other words, we do the former because of the latter. We love and pray for our enemies, “so that, you may be the sons of your Father who is in heaven.” To be children you must behave as the Father does—He is impartial in His love for us. He loves us all equally and allows blessings to fall on everyone.

Then, in verses 46 and 47, Jesus further challenges us to rise above the world. Love the unloveable—the not-good-enough. Do you give the same love to everyone? Every church believes they are a loving church, yet most only show love to the lovable (or they only show love while at church). Here’s a tough question: is the “love” shown by you at church really any different than the “love” shown at a local bar or even by a greeter at Wal-Mart?

Jesus brings the idea home in verse 48: be perfect, therefore, as our heavenly Father is perfect. The context is not about purified actions, it is about the central theme of Jesus’ ministry and teachings to His disciples. It is the summation of the Law (Matthew 22:37–40). It is the identifier of a disciple (John 13:35). He is calling us to be perfect in love. Becoming spiritually mature and consistent in how we treat each other. He wants us to love like the Father loves. A love that does not care who “they” are or what they have done. The love that can say “forgive them” even when being persecuted.

Perfect in Love

Can you imagine what it would be like to experience that kind of love? According to Paul, all of our evangelism, our ministries, our church services are pointless without love (1 Corinthians 13:1–8). This love requires more than a smile or greeting at the door on the way in or out. It is a love that cannot be experienced out in the world. Yet, somehow we have gotten it backwards. We used to live by the saying: “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” Today, we seem to be living by the saying, “Love the sin, hate the sinner.”

So, I will restate Jesus’ challenge: Be Ye Perfect—in love. And what better place to start than  among your fellow God-followers? We can’t love the stranger walking through the door if we don’t love each other first. This means we must stop judging. We must stop gossiping. We must stop trying to cleanse the church of its imperfect members (or leaders), and start showing the love of God instead.

God’s still working on me and you, and we are called to love each other through that process. So regardless of how spiritually clean the people around you are—whether their theology is seriously flawed or they actually ate real cheese—just love what God is making them to be. As Jesus said, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:34, 35). May we be perfect in love, even as He is perfect!

Do I Have to Forgive?

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Anytime the topic of forgiveness comes up, people begin to squirm in their seats. It’s not that we do not like to hear of God’s forgiveness. His forgiveness is awesome—we love to hear about His forgiveness. No, we start to fidget because we know what is coming next: the requirement for us to forgive.

When this subject is brought up we quickly revert to child-like mentality (said as whiny as possible): “do I have to?” I am too often guilty of this attitude myself. I am saddened that forgiveness doesn’t come more naturally to me. I know I am not alone, though. Why do we seem to insist on holding on to grudges for much longer than we should and refuse to grant forgiveness to others? Do we actually benefit by holding the grudge? Not that I’ve experienced. Still, many of Christians want to know: do we have to forgive?

Paul said in Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Similarly, in Colossians 3:13 he says, “as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive.” According to this we do have to forgive. We are called to forgive because we have been forgiven. We are supposed to show the same forgiving attitude that God shows us. Yeah, I know, I’m starting to squirm too.

It brings to my mind a parable of Jesus recorded in Matthew 18:21–35. He told the parable after Peter asked how often one should forgive—or another way to ask it, how forgiving should we be? Jesus began by telling Peter that we should forgive someone seventy-times seven. (I’d say that is being very forgiving!)

Then Jesus told a parable: it was about a king who wanted to settle his accounts with those who owed him. When one servant who owed ten thousand talents (one talent was approximately 20-30 years wages) couldn’t pay, the king ordered him to be sold, along with his family and any possessions in order to provide payment. The servant pleaded for mercy and patience and promised to pay everything. As a result, the king had mercy and forgave the debt. Don’t let this slip by. He forgave the whole debt! That would be 20-30 thousand years of wages! Another example of the awesomeness of God’s forgiveness.

The newly forgiven servant left and soon found a man who owed him a hundred denarii (one denarii was about a day’s wage), grabbed his neck and began to choke him, demanding payment. The man also begs for mercy and promises to pay. However, the servant refuses the pleas and sends him to prison until the debt could be paid.

Once the king heard this, he summoned the servant and said to him, “you wicked servant! I forgave your whole debt because I took pity on your plea. Should you not have also had pity on your fellow servant?” Then the king reinstated the man’s debt and threw him into prison until it was paid off.

Then Jesus ends the parable with the statement: “So also my heavenly Father will do to everyone of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” (Matthew 18:35).

If the parable isn’t clear enough, in Matthew 6:14, 15 Jesus said it bluntly: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (See also Mark 11:25.)

We are supposed to forgive. Plain and simple. Jesus doesn’t say that forgiveness would be easy. He only says that we should do it—if we also want forgiveness.

It seems a bit harsh, but if you think about it, it makes sense. If God is willing to forgive us our HUGE debt of sin, why would we refuse to forgive others when they hurt us? As the parable showed, if a person asks for forgiveness we must forgive them (Luke 17:3, 4 also says this—even if they ask seven times in the same day).

But what about the person who doesn’t ask for forgiveness? Do we still have to forgive them? I’m not sure I know the answer to this. At least, not an easy answer. However, when looking at our example, Jesus, I believe that we should. When on the cross, while being mocked and abused, Jesus prayed that God would “forgive them for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). Did they ask for forgiveness? No. Yet, Jesus forgave them and asked God to forgive them on their behalf.

Again, Jesus didn’t say it was easy to forgive. Forgiveness always cost something to the one offering it. When the king in the parable forgave his servant’s debt, he forgave a massive amount of debt—no small cost to the king. When God forgives us, it costs Him to forgive our massive debt. Likewise, it will cost us to forgive others. It is not easy to get past the pain and humiliation to find forgiveness and the scars may not go away, but we have to let go. We have to let go of their neck and find mercy and forgiveness. In fact, forgiving others has often a greater effect on us than on the other person. As Corrie ten Boom said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

I know this is not an easy teaching. I also know that there are very tough situations we may go through that causes us to ask, “but do I have to forgive them?” Hurt feelings and damaged pride aside, I can only point to the Biblical examples given to us: according to the Bible, and Jesus Himself, we shouldn’t be looking for ways not to forgive, but should be willing to freely forgive as often as we can—just like our Father in Heaven does towards us.

What if God Forgave Like Us?

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Two little brothers, Harry and James, had finished supper and were playing until bedtime. Somehow, during their play, Harry hit James with a stick and tears and bitter words flowed. The accusations and denials were still being tossed back and forth as their mother prepared them for bed. Before she tucked them in, the mother looked firmly at James and said, “Now James, before you go to bed you’re going to have to forgive your brother.” James thought about this for a moment and then replied, “Well okay, I’ll forgive him tonight, but he’d better watch out in the morning!”

I’m sure this was not the forgiving spirit his mother had intended. Yet, lives all over this earth are torn apart because of this type of attitude of forgiveness—“I refuse to forget the pain and agony you put me through, but I forgive you… for now.”

What if God’s forgiveness was like ours? In short, we’d have no hope. Unfortunately, many squeeze God into our way of thinking and assume that God does forgive like we do—“I forgive you for now, but you just wait until I come!” As if God doesn’t really want to forgive us, but is forced to because of some inconvenient rule He made up.

Is this what God’s forgiveness is all about? Do we have to beg Him to forgive us? Or, worse yet, is He like us and will bring back all of our wrongs as soon as we mess up again and smear them in our faces? Fortunately, the Bible says God’s forgiveness is MUCH different than ours.

Micah 7:18 tells us that God wants to show us mercy and forgive us and Nehemiah 9:17 says He is ready to forgive. Unlike mankind, God actually desires to forgive. Some believe that God likes to hold grudges and that He is waiting on His throne with a lightning bolt for someone to mess up so He can punish. On the contrary! God says that He does not enjoy the destruction of the wicked (Ezekiel 18:23), but would rather work with us toward salvation: “Come now, let us reason together, though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow, though they are red like crimson, they shall be like wool” (Isaiah 1:18). What a beautiful promise!

You see, God is ready and willing. He’s actually waiting for us. 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” You see, we have a part in it: confession. This does not mean that we are to simply list off all the no-no’s that we’ve done. Confession is owning up to the crime. Confession is someone saying, “I did it.” In other words, this means I am not merely telling God that a sin was committed, but that I am the one who committed the sin. (Unlike what Adam and Eve did.) When we are willing to admit that we are sinners, God is able to, and faithful to, forgive us.

The amazing thing is what His forgiveness looks like. He doesn’t just sweep our sins under a rug only to have them pop up sometime later. Acts 3:19 says that when we repent, He will blot out our sins. This is a complete erasing. it’s a multi-pass, greater-than-government–security, deletion of our sins. They’re gone—sins no more. Isaiah 44:22 tells us that God sweeps our sins away like a cloud. He separates our sins from us as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). In Micah 7:19 we are told that our sins are sent “into the depths of the sea.” (Ever wonder why the creatures in the deep sea are so ugly and evil looking? That’s where all of our sins are!)

This is all possible because God does something in forgiveness that we seem to be unable to do: forget. When God forgives, He does not remember them anymore (Hebrews 8:12). God says in Isaiah 43:25 that He forgets for His sake. He chooses to forgive and forget.

A great example of God’s forgiveness is seen in the life of King David. 2 Samuel 11 contains the story of David and Bathsheba. It’s not a pretty story. David really messed up and thought that he had covered it up pretty well. But in the next chapter (12), David learns through Nathan that he didn’t hide it from God. In fact, it was really God he had sinned against. David was crushed. He wasn’t sorry he was caught, he was sorry he did it in the first place. We know this because after his encounter with Nathan, David wrote Psalm 51. That’s the one where David asked that God would “create a clean heart” within him.

So did God forgive David? Nathan said God did (2 Samuel 12:13)—and this is what God had to say about David years after his death: “[he] kept my commandments and followed me with all his heart, doing only that which was right in my eyes” (1 Kings 14:8). Now that is forgiveness!

God’s forgiveness is complete, but it is not universal. Some believe, and teach, that God is ultimately going to forgive everyone regardless of their feelings towards Him, and everyone will go to heaven. Unfortunately, this is not found in Scripture. The Bible says that God will, one day, put an end to sin forever (see Revelation 20:11–15). On that day, He will destroy sin and any who continue to hold onto it.

While that day will come, today God is still saying, “Come let us reason together…” He’s waiting for you and I to admit we are sinners in need of forgiveness because He wants to completely cleanse us and blot out our sins. It’s not too late. Why wouldn’t we accept this wonderful, complete, and free forgiveness of God right now?

Photo by Ali Gooya on Unsplash